The End of the Line

We’re in Fargo, ND, the 48th state on our 48-state book tour. In one sense, this feels like the end of the line, a 1988 hit by supergroup The Traveling Wilburys.

The Traveling Wilburys hit song, “End of the Line”

Well, it's all right even if you're old and gray/Well, it's all right, you still got something to say/ Well, it's all right, remember to live and let live/Well, it's all right, the best you can do is forgive/Well, it's all right, even if the sun don't shine/Well, it's all right, we're going to the end of the line.

 Yeah, I’m old and I’m gray, and I’ve got something to say. Don’t think I’ll go quietly into the dark night…

The big news: The print version of Book One is done! It is pending technical clearance from Ingram. Working with my first choice for printer (Ingram) turns out to be an ordeal – Ingram is a monopolistic mammoth with no corporate customer service function.  No live person at the other end of a phone line. Email is the only option for contact, and they take 24 hours on average to answer a single question. But there is really no other option because Ingram is the distributor/wholesaler to independent bookstores.

Nice. I heard from a bookstore owner that Ingram treats them the same way.

Yeah, so the book is split in half due to the prohibitive cost of printing a 540-page book in color. It’s a fitting outcome, since my life was sort of split in half, too, after the death of my first wife. I thought it was all over for me. I eventually decided to go back to Africa and give life another try. The outcome was the same. Eventually, Africa kicked my butt once again and sent me back home alone. Bent but not broken.

The thing in life is, you don’t win or lose, in Africa or elsewhere. You simply take your knocks. But when you get knocked down, you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try all over again. Right?

When life knocks you down in the dust, you’ve got to get back up!

The print version of Book Two, my second century in Africa, should be ready to upload early next week. Ingram was too slow to guarantee timely delivery of the first book, so I went with Blurb, a smaller and more user-friendly print platform – but even Blurb has no customer service line. There is no live person there either to answer my questions. But they answer emails within two hours. It’s an improvement.

The joy of waiting for customer service

The E-book versions should follow shortly after. There will be a Book One and Book Two to maintain consistency with the print version. I will price the e-books modestly to make them accessible to all.

I still have not found anyone to plan the launch and market the book. This is my Holy Grail. My quest. I hoped something would pop up, but nothing has so far.

My first book event will be on April 15th in Indianapolis at the Hamilton County Library, Fishers, Indiana. An Indy friend, David Dessauer, told me about it. Later, I heard from David that they did not accept his book, Harper Lee and Me, which seems unfair. (I’m sorry, David! If I were you, I’d park in the lot with a box of my books and a big sign that says, “Indy author unfairly denied!)

Meet me here on April 15th please, Indy friends

Indy friends, please come to the event at the Hamilton County East Public Library 11:45 to 3:45. You don’t have to buy a book, just stand in line at my table and help make my book look like a hot seller. If you really want to help, cycle through the line a few times. No shame. Shout, “Autograph!!” Pretend to make calls on your cell phone to friends, telling them to hurry right over to the library.

The second book event will be in Falls Church VA on April 29th.  It is also in a library. Mary Riley Styles at the corner of Park and Virginia. The parking lot is behind the library. Look forward to seeing some of my DC friends.

The public library in Falls Church VA - my next author event on April 29th

Then, as my friend Bill Penoyar says, the real work begins: trying to promote the book so that it does not die on the vine. It has to grow wings and learn to fly. The little bird has to leave the nest on its own one day. I have to teach it to fly, but despite my best efforts, if the book is not strong, it will never succeed.

But if I become a major celebrity overnight, I could write nursery rhymes and the book would still sell. Sigh. Life is not fair. That’s the other thing. Life has never been fair, and it probably never will be. Life is a game of chance. Roll the dice. Hope for the best. If you’re a celebrity, the odds are in your favor.

What a creative picture for the cover of his book!

A celebrity can just write crap and it will sell. Take Prince Harry for example. He just wrote his first book. Spare. (Why not put a spare tire in the picture, too?)

Prince Harry managed to come up with a one-word title: Spare. Poor little Harry. We all feel sorry for him, right? It’s got to be hard being a royal, knowing you’re just second in line for the throne. Amazingly, the poor bastard got lucky. His book is an instant best-seller. Wish me luck joining him on the best-seller list. Also, I’m still waiting to meet my Megan Markle, the wonderful woman who loves me for who I am, not just for my royalty.

Women. I just don’t understand them. Never did, still don’t.

I thought that women would mob me, a dashing, carefree, mysterious author, on the national book tour, but for some reason, when I tell them I live in a van with my dog, they suddenly remember they have to meet somebody, anybody, somewhere. I can’t figure it out. It seems so romantic and exciting to me to be a starving artist with nowhere to live. I think of myself not as homeless, but as “home free.” But women just don’t seem to see it that way. Sigh.

But don’t worry about me. I like being “home free.” I don’t miss the stuff I put in storage. I need to go back to DC, sell or donate the stuff, and stop paying to store crap I don’t need or want.

Let me repeat that we have arrived in North Dakota, the 48th state on our national tour of indie bookstores in the lower 48 states. We are in Fargo. And we will watch the movie Fargo tonight.

The wood chipper scene from the movie Fargo

As they say in poker, let the chips fall where they may. In Fargo, the wood chips came out red. Not blue. (Is that image graphic enough for you?)

How far did we have to go to get to Fargo? The van had 102,000 miles on the odometer when I got it. It now reads 131,000. We have driven 29,000 miles, which is more than 12 trips across the United States. A lot of miles.

All for a book.

If you want to write a book, let me tell you from experience, it’s not that hard. Give up everything you know, leave everyone behind, and dedicate yourself to the project for two years, seven days a week.

And remember, you will probably never earn a penny for your hard work. Still want to write a book?