Secret Agent Man
It’s been a while but don’t worry, I’m still alive. I don’t know what happened to me the last few weeks. It seems like I fell off the face of the earth. Till October 1st I was still in North Carolina and then I had to drive to the DC area for a deposition in a lawsuit in which I am the defendant, and then on to Indy. When I got on I-70 West near Baltimore, I hit of piece of metal flat bar that tore my van’s rear panel loose.
What the hell is this shit doing on the highway?
Sometimes life sucks. But I survived the deposition and the rampaging flat bar and made it to Indy safely.
Yesterday, I was trying to think of a theme song for this blog. I have been searching in vain for a literary agent. It’s bloody impossible to find one. There must be thousands of them, all holed up in some tiny office or cubicle somewhere. Desperately poring over query letters, hoping for one that has money written all over it. They want to find great books, but more importantly, they want to make money.
Danger Man, a British spy show, used the song, “Secret Agent Man.”
The song “Secret Agent Man” popped into my head. It was a big hit for Johnny Rogers back in 1966.
“Beware of pretty faces that you find/A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Ah, be careful what you say/Or you’ll give yourself away”
It fits the situation. Literary agents are about as easy to find as a secret agent. They hide their identities. They speak in code. Most of them have no online presence other than on their literary agency website. I don’t know if they are real people. Maybe they don’t exist. Maybe a computer does all the work. I have to be careful when I write to them. They are very particular about what they want from me.
The aspiring author searches in vain for a literary agent
Publishers long ago gave up trying to spot the books people will like. Instead, they rely on the literary agents to scour all the new books and find the best prospects. The agents, meanwhile, have no more ability to pick the right books than a trained chimpanzee. They have no computer software or algorithm to analyze the incoming drafts for certain keywords, hot concepts, or great plots or characters. Etc.
They should be honest and admit that they are clueless. Instead, they maintain a façade of pompous artistic insight. They pretend it enables them to mystically, magically, find the needles in the haystack. When they read a book, it is different than when the rest of humanity reads a book. It speaks to them!
Authors anxiously wait for their book to speak to the agent…
Once they find a book they like, they run to the publishers, waving the book and shouting, “I got one, I got one!” The publishers are not easily fooled. Every agent in the world plays this game. Think of it as matchmaking. The author is trying to find the perfect publisher for his or her book. Unfortunately, the author is not allowed to meet with the publisher directly, in person. The author has to find an agent who will present the book and the author to the publisher and persuade them to get hitched, if you will.
The matchmaker’s work is never done
Honestly, it’s easier to find the right person on a computer dating site than it is to find an agent. Computer dating is based has an algorithm. It matches people based on age, appearance, sex (or sexual orientation), level of education, profession, area of residence, personal interests, political affiliation, and so on. Even after trying to match for all these variables, computer dates often don’t work out.
An early ad for computer dating.
Apparently, it has never occurred to publishers or literary agents to create an algorithm to eliminate the worst dregs. Or to funnel the best drafts to the most appropriate agent. I don’t know if they will ever modernize this silly enterprise.
But the literary agents still pretend that they have special powers that allow them to discern genuine talent. They demand a query letter so well written that it will leave them breathless and trembling. The verbs! The nouns! The syntax! What elegant prose! Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! They are simply drooling.
In the letter, which must be one page only, the poor author has to explain everything perfectly to the agent. The agents ask ridiculous questions, such as, “Exactly how many copies of this book will we sell?” And, “Exactly how many people will want to read your book? What are their names and addresses?”
One agent indicated on his webpage that the author should “Explain why we will get along well.” Sure. I have never met you. All I know is what you posted online, but I have a crystal ball and can see into your heart and read your mind.” It sounds like a dopey question on the Dating Game.
The Dating Game show gave kids a misleading idea
The gorgeous woman in a revealing mini-skirt sits in a swivel chair with her long, shapely legs on display, and says, with a big smile, “Bachelor # 1, tell me how you will win my heart on our first date.” Supremely confident, bachelor #1 smirks as he perches on his tall stool, and without missing a beat, says something smarmy, like, “Oh, baby, you will fall for my wicked good looks and my rugged charm. I’m simply irresistible!”
It should not be this hard for an author to find an agent. The whole thing is a mess. I probably should not complain about it online, in case they decide to read my blog. If they do, I hope they read down to the last paragraph, in which I wax poetic about how much I love writing query letters and book proposals. I love every literary agent alive and dream of the day when I am lucky enough to deserve their help.
