Hit the Road, Jack!

Among the impossible challenges confronting me as an author is that I want to resume my national book tour - without a book. I pulled off the road in October after four months, 15,000 miles, and 30 states, and parked myself in Indianapolis. I spent three and a half months on the re-write, the proofreading, and the cover re-design. Now, the final manuscript is with a graphic designer for final interior layout.

My original intent was to stay put until the book was done, but as we got deeper into winter, and the gray, damp, bone-chilling days continued to pile up, my desire to go south for the winter took over.

So, it’s time to hit the road, Jack, as Ray Charles says in the 1961 hit song. R&B musician Percy Mayfield first recorded the song and released it in 1960, but it didn’t chart until Ray Charles recorded it in 1961.

Ray Charles hit recording of “Hit the Road, Jack” in 1961.

What do I hope to accomplish resuming a so-called book tour without a book in hand? Not much, really. I’ll still visit independent bookstores, but it will be more of a meet and greet than a true sales pitch. I have found out that I hate sales. I got suckered into a telemarketing job once. We called people at home. This was back when everyone had landlines and all home numbers were published in big, hefty things called “phone books.” It was despicable work. I hated bothering people and trying to con them into buying stuff.

Forty years later, I still hate selling things. I hate pressuring people to buy things they don’t want or need. For an author, this is a major character defect. One of the first things I learned after embarking on writing a book is that I would have to sell it. Publishers don’t do that anymore; it’s up to the author now.

Telemarketers: Liam Neeson will find you!

I also learned that it’s utterly unrealistic to expect that everyone will want to read your book. In fact, the more realistic assumption is that virtually no one will want to buy your book. It turns out that the correct question is, why should anybody buy it? Once I realized that is the key question to answer, I panicked. I have no plausible answer. It’s not a how-to book telling you the secret to living a better, longer life.

It’s just a memoir. I wrote it because I had to. It was burning a hole in my head and it would not leave me alone. But I cannot think of a single compelling reason why people should read it, unless they are interested in Africa, or they are curious about the AIDS epidemic, or they just like a good story. If people will only read a memoir about people who are rich or famous, there is nothing I can do about it.

Honestly, I would really rather give everyone a copy for free if they really want one. Of course, if I have to pay for each copy and then I give it away, the book will end up bankrupting me. It’s not an option.

So, as I prepare to head out on the road, I’m looking for answers to life’s persistent questions. Who will buy my book and why? Why should my memoir matter to anyone who doesn’t know me? Even people who know me won’t read the book. My own family will not read the book. At first, this shocked me. I did some research and discovered that this happens to most authors of memoirs. Your family is afraid to read the book. Two bad things could happen: Either you will mention them, and they’re afraid of what you will say; or you won’t mention them, and they’ll wonder why you left them out of the book. Sigh.

You can’t win.

You can’t win with a memoir. Even family and friends won’t read it!

No matter. I’m heading south for the winter to escape the gloomy winter weather. When I let go of my lease in May and got the campervan, it was always my plan to snowbird: Go north in the summer to escape the heat and south in the winter to escape the cold. My dog and I are fine sleeping in the campervan as long as we don’t freeze to death or die of heat exhaustion. In the spring and fall, we can visit the central slice of America while the temperatures are mild. Eventually, we’ll visit all 48 states.

For the moment, we’ll have to walk into the bookstores with a flyer or a handout showing the front and back cover, a few blurbs and reviews, and an expected release date. The most we can hope for is that we get the name and contact information of their buyer and that someone remembers us when the book actually comes out. I’ll add each bookstore we visit to the growing list we built up last summer.

One other benefit of doing a book tour, even if I do not sell any books, is that it allows me to reconnect with old friends I have not seen in years or decades. As far as I am concerned, that’s reason enough.

Over the summer we visited 30 contiguous states. That leaves just 18 states to visit on the next phase of the national book tour. If we have to go back and visit them all again, that’s alright with me. I enjoy the ride. Mr. Bones is an excellent traveling companion. He laughs at all of my jokes, and he isn’t a picky eater. If I get stuck trying to figure out where to go or what to do, he usually had some good ideas.

So, we’ll hit the road. First we’re heading from Indianapolis down to Chattanooga, and then on to Atlanta. I’ve got some high school and college buddies to see down there. Then we’ll drive through South Carolina before turning south and driving down the Atlantic coast of Florida to Everglades, and then back up the Gulf Coast through Sarasota, Tampa Bay, and then to Tallahassee – the Panhandle.

If you’re in the area, let us know. We’ll be happy to stop for a cup of coffee and a chat. See you soon.