Even impossibler…
As you may recall, in my last blog post, I heralded the idea of conceiving, pursuing, and attaining an impossible dream. In my case, the dream was to circumnavigate Africa in my lifetime. I did it, but it took 40 years. Now I’m old, fat, and broke, in more ways than one. But do I regret it? No. Of course not.
As a result of living the life I dreamed of, I wound up with a story in my head that demanded to be told. I delayed writing it for years, dodging it during the pandemic when there was nothing else to do, by playing hooky and cycling all day long with my buddies, till the gods hurled me off my bike one fine day.
The force of the crash completely shattered my left wrist, which, as far as I can tell, is now worthless and forever will be. A year and a half later, I only have partial use of my left hand. The lesson is, write the damn book. If you do not, the gods will seriously fuck you up. I finally wrote the book. Don’t hurt me.
So I wrote a book ? Who cares! Now it turns out that writing the book is just the first step in a much larger process. Once the story of your life is written, you find out that what you want to say is not what people want to hear. Now it’s time for a rewrite. Your editor will amputate your favorite parts. It turns out that the things that make you who you are really don’t interest most people. They just want sex. Lots of hot, steamy sex. I’d like some too, actually.
Well, not just sex, but murder, mayhem, and madness. Also, near-death experiences, addictions, wealth, fame, nobility, political power, magic powers, spying, or some combination of all of the above. Now, at last, minorities (BIPOC) and formerly-marginalized people (LGBTQ) are getting a long-overdue chance to tell their stories. The flip side of it is that no one wants to hear about a fat, old white guy from Indiana. Not even me. It’s so … passé …
Selling your soul, but no one is buying. So, I’ve bared my soul, but nothing else, fortunately, and it still is not enough. I’m selling my soul, and for a very reasonable price mind you, but so far no one is buying. I started doing research on how to sell my book. What, for example, makes a book into a NY Times best-seller?
Reinventing yourself for the masses. The point is, whoever you are, whatever you have done, it’s not good enough. People want more. They want their pound of flesh. Try harder. Here are the makings of best-sellers.
I have to make myself into a hero on a dangerous trip, even an impossible journey. I have powerful enemies, with whom I will engage in a battle to the death. I must be a protagonist with whom you sympathize. I must overcome all obstacles while creating constant suspense. I must be an ordinary guy and an extraordinary human being, one that you can relate to instantly, but also you aspire to be me.
I will be both happy and sad - achieving my goal, but at a terrible price. I will reach the highest peaks, then plunge into the deepest abyss, and lose something that is precious beyond belief. There will be a happy ending but with a hidden sadness, one to which you, as the reader, will secretly be privy. You will see me suffer, but ultimately, I will triumph and rejoice. Amazingly, all will be well in the end.
And, it’s also a timeless, touching love story. The relationships between me and other characters make me seem more human, more real, helping you engage with me emotionally and care about what happens to me.
As a man of the people, my prose style will be simple, uncluttered, and easy to read. Readers will glide effortlessly through the book without struggling even once over long words or complex sentences. It will be simple enough that even a certain recent president could read it and make sense of it.
I will keep the pace quick. My story will read like a movie and could easily translate to the screen. The book will be filled with dramatic scenes which engage my readers and leave them wanting more. The tension will be palpable. Each chapter, each sentence will end with suspense, even this one … which keeps you motivated to read on, and makes a book a page-turner.’
To yourself be true- to everyone else, lie! And, the best thing is that, through all of this, I will be humble, modest, and unassuming. I will be utterly sincere and genuine. There will not be even a hint of ego or snobbery. Fame and fortune will not change me. If you see me in the grocery store, why just come up and say “hi!” I will do my best to make sure my bodyguards do not seriously hurt you, but just remember, they do get carried away sometimes.
I’ll be everything you want and more. You will be totally satisfied after reading the book. It will be like your favorite holidays, Christmas and the Fourth of July rolled together, an unprecedented new thrill for the reading public.
Happiness awaits you, my readers. Yes, your cares will melt away as you read the book, and find words of wisdom that help you to resolve even your thorniest personal problems and dispatch your worst enemies.
My grateful nation. Last of all, of course, will be the gratitude of the nation as a whole. Don’t mention it. It’s the least I could do.
Author’s note: Meanwhile, I still have neither an agent nor a publisher nor any idea how to sell my book. Send help, please! Hurry.
